VATICAN — The Vatican has moved quickly to canonise Donald Trump to a saint and have confirmed his cure from COVID-19 has been upgraded to miracle status. He has also been named as the patron saint of white trash dumb racist cunts.
“The process normally takes forever, but we felt it was right to move quickly and capture the zeitgeist with this canonisation,” confirmed Cardinal Tony Calzone, the Vatican’s equivalent of a crossword-loving civil servant and slightly wide ‘New York’ mafioso.
Not everyone is happy with the situation. Jacob Rees-Moog mass going novena loving catholic and stickler for slow reform and detail was apoplectic, and, when approached by our reporters punched them, while cursing and ranting in the Latin.
President Donald Trump confirmed he felt great after his Covid-19 illness, describing it as ‘a blessing from God’.
The story became more grotesque as the Regeneron kicked in. “Jesus sought a man, a brave courageous man, handsome, successful, with great hair, on earth, to take on the virus and I beat it,” said Trump as he took off his mask, holding it up like some kind of stigmata.
A trainee pharmacist, a Scot, from the labs of Walter Reed National Military hospital confirmed that the Regeneron wasn’t a new drug, but an alcoholic drink he had in his house, called Buckfast. He said the cocktail is potent and fortifies but sadly has side effects of lunacy, psychosis, and delusional behaviour.
When pushed as to the speed of the process, Cardinal Calzone, broke down and confessed: “OK, OK, how do you think anything from Trump moves quickly? He paid us billions…and free golf, the bishops and Cardinals love the golf courses.”
Cardinal Calzone, asked to be called an insider and remain anonymous, but we forgot.