HAMPSHIRE — Yesterday a man discovered that he had lost his BBC Radio 2 ‘Popmaster’ scores from the last 2 years, as he had failed to update his edition of Microsoft Excel for 25 years.
Colin Collinson (55) of Barton Stacey, a remote working attendant of ‘Montego Bays’, Hampshire’s only Amazulu themed car park, has been faithfully tuning his tranny every weekday morning at 10:27 am, to BBC Radio 2, since 2008, for the daily feature on ‘The Ken Bruce Show’.
Each day, Mr Collinson has been pitting his wits against the two daily contestants (who are celebrating a birthday, or anniversary) amassing approximately 6000 games, meticulously recording each round into his Excel 95 spreadsheet hosted on a 486 DX33 microcomputer that he purchased from Dixons in 1993 for £5000.
Colin, first suspected something was wrong when producing his monthly dashboard report, which indicated his steadily declining average of 19.24 had plateaued and remained constant for the past 18 months. This was curious, especially after a consistent run of single-figure scores, caused mainly by questions being asked that were ‘before his time’, each beginning with the phrase “Recently, who had a hit with…..”.
The full horror of the situation then became apparent when he noticed his other Key Performance Indicators (e.g. One Year Out Question, Bonus Question Average, Virtual ‘One year Out’ T-Shirts) had all remained static since March 2019, despite not getting a ‘Three In Ten’ since 2014, when the artist in question was Kate Bush.
“I’ll suppose I’ll have to upgrade to something more modern now,” lamented Mr Collinson. “Luckily my brother-in-law has acquired a batch of Pentium desktops from the NHS. If nothing else, it’ll speed up my copy of EA Tiger Woods Golf 2002.”