SURREY — In a bitter outburst last night, Britain’s Got Talent stalwart, Amanda Holden, has warned potential users of the new coronavirus, track and trace phone app, that radio waves emitted from any phone or device following the download will cause the participant’s rectum to seal up, causing intense faecal build-up which will eventually result in a fatal explosion.
She later withdrew the tweet, claiming that she’d sent it, ‘by mistake’.
Speaking from outside her London home last night, a defiant Holden dismissed widespread criticism from telecommunications experts, who described her premise as, ‘beyond ridiculous’.
“Make no mistake, this app is designed by the shadowy group that run the world.
“It has been put in place to reduce the global population and turn those that remain into shape-shifting lizards, just like The Queen. You mark my words.
Fellow conspiracy theorist, David Icke, threw his weight behind Holden’s contention last night:
“Amanda is spot-on with this one. I watched a news bulletin about the new app on Sunday and I haven’t been able to have a shit since.
“Clearly, this new app is already beginning to wreak bottom-related havoc.
“It’s the rays, you see? It’s all about the rays.”
More as we get it.