LONDON — A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London has told a Dafty reporter that her 22-year-old son — a habitual internet troll — doesn’t possess the strength to unscrew the lids from jars and has to get her to do it for him.
“He just sits in his bedroom all day wearing my dressing gown and threatening people online.
“He doesn’t seem to target particular people, although he does tend to go for softer options like transport enthusiasts or interior design Facebook groups.
“He then emerges at teatime and gets me to unscrew the lid from his Marmite or jar of Nutella before he has a couple of slices of toast and a glass of banana Nesquik.
“He’s never been very robust, to be honest and was regularly bullied at school by the other kids, especially the girls.
“He did have a girlfriend for a couple of weeks but she left him after continuously beating him at arm wrestling.
“I’ve told him to stop abusing people online and to get out more but he flatly refuses.
“The only time he’s been outside in the last two years was a few months ago when he was traced by a woman he’d been trolling who turned up on the doorstep.
“He ended up throwing himself out of the bedroom window and broke both his legs.”
It has been estimated by scientists that if you harnessed the strength of ten typical keyboard warriors you would produce roughly enough torque or turning effort to unscrew the top from a bottle of Vimto after the lid had been tapped a few times with the edge of a knife to loosen it up a bit.