Millions of Scots flee in terror after Nicola Sturgeon threatens to ‘shag’ anyone who doesn’t comply with her guideline
SCOTLAND — Millions of Scots screamed in horror this morning after Nicola Sturgeon announced at her daily briefing she would ‘shag those who refuse to comply with her new Covid-19 guidelines’, it has emerged.
Before the threat, it was estimated at least 40-percent of the country had planned to break the mandatory shopping mask guideline that will be rolled out on Friday, the 10th, but it has since been established no-one wants to risk having sex with Sturgeon.
Asked if the First Minister meant the male half of the population, she replied: “No, females too. Let’s get this internet rumour about me to bed…literally speaking, of course…and say I’ll shag anything to get a points score over Boris Johnson.
“If you do not wear a mask out shopping from Friday the 10th of July, I am coming to your house to shag you stupid.”
Hamish MacDonald, a 53-year-old heavy-drinking jobless enthusiast with a Twitter following of fourteen people told the Daily Dafty earlier today: “I will not be complying with Sturgeon’s new guidelines for anything in this world — not even with the threat of sex.
“If I want to shag a nippy wee dictator with a high opinion of herself and a loudmouth who thinks she’s always right; I can stay at home for that and shag the wife.”
It’s not the first time a leader of a country has made threats to a population to make them comply.
In 1933 Adolph Hitler warned the German public he’d come round to everyone’s house to make sure they are tucked up in bed reading a German-translated version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.