HAMPSHIRE — With the Government ‘Test and Trace’ system already exceeding its £12bn budget, for one village in Hampshire, local gossip is proving far more effective in maintaining its Tier 1 ‘medium’ status.

Local Barton Stacey resident Colin Collinson (55), was one of the first people told to go into quarantine after attending a friend’s Barbeque at number 35 Wilfred Bramble Close, coincidently next door to Mrs Peart at number 37.

“I was more shocked than anyone when I looked out the window to see four police cars, an emergency response vehicle and a dog unit blocking my drive,” Mr Collinson recalled.

“The man in the hazmat suit told me they had reliable information that I’d attended a gathering of more than six people and would need to self-isolate for 14 days. But they didn’t reveal their source.”

Our favourite a resident of Barton Stacey was not alone as fellow resident Giles Gilesson at number 7, also found to his detriment,

“I think it was the Challenger 2 tank, pointing its cannon at my bi-fold doors, that first brought this to my attention,” Mr Gilesson recalled, “and before I knew it, the police were battering at my rear entrance. Turns out they had it on good authority I’d entered number 12, last Tuesday, to borrow a cup of sugar from that annoying woman, who parks her PT Cruiser in front of Mrs Peart’s house at number 37, thus contravening laws regarding internal mixing of households.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny any involvement in these irresponsible people being told to self-isolate,” shouted Mrs Peart from her upstairs bedroom window, whilst holding a pair of newly acquired Olympus DPSI zoom binoculars, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ve just spotted that pretentious woman at number 15 getting into an Uber without a face mask.”