Quarantine-breaking footballers Phil Foden and Mason Greenwood have been appointed to serve as Government special advisors.
A statement from Downing Street said the duo had clearly proved their courage and wisdom by behaving in a manner similar to Dominic Cummings when he heroically tested his eyesight by driving to Barnard Castle during lockdown.
Boris Johnson praised Foden and Greenwood to the hilt, telling a packed press conference: “In trying to smuggle a number of nubile Icelandic ladies into their hotel room during a stay by the England team, these two fine lads were obviously conducting an experiment to see if catching Covid-19 has any effect on virility.
“Such dedication to furthering scientific research should be rewarded. The advice they give my Government will be vital in the battle against coronavirus.”
Speaking to journalists in a Question & Answer session afterwards, Foden said: “When me and Mason heard Boris, or Gaffer as we now call him, wanted to make us special Government advisors we leapt at the chance. It’ll be better than running 50 circuits of a football pitch in disgrace with Gareth Southgate scowling at us.”
Foden also revealed he would use the appointment as an opportunity to extend his understanding of the world around him.
“First thing tomorrow morning I’m off to the Ministry of Defence to find out the truth about UFOs, the so-called moon landings and the Loch Ness Monster,” he said.