TOKYO — Following this week’s news that Tokyo 2020 will run as a ‘simplified’ games, the organising committee have confirmed that the tournament will feature a number of debut events including the sack race, the egg and spoon race, and the ‘50 metres with a bean-bag on your head’.
“This is what the British people have been training for!” he enthused, “Year in, year out, British kids and their over-competitive parents have been battling it out on the diminishing number of school sports fields to take the honours in these closely fought but, ultimately, meaningless school sports days.”
“Nothing brings a sportsman’s tear to the like seeing an overweight middle-management dad who spends most of his time at work at the expense of his child’s happiness, bring a smile to that lonely child’s face by winning the bean-bag toss, or angrily blaming his wife for ‘letting him down’ after shredding her calf-muscle during the three-legged race.”
However, Lord Covid admitted that the new events would be at the expense of some of those more regularly featured on the schedule.
“Well, all that horsey bollocks will have to go for a start,” he confirmed. “And the synchronised pissing-about-in-the-water has been on borrowed time for years.”
Some traditional events will be protected and The Daily Dafty understands that one event which will remain in place for athletes is the Olympic Village’s nightly Hide-the-Sausage Contest.