WASHINGTON — Americans go to the polls this week to decide which privileged, white, male millionaire represents them the most.

Despite being occupied by 328 million people, the election has somehow come down to a choice between a businessman who, according to tax returns, has made a total profit of $127.32 since 1994, once said he’d date his own daughter and is regularly seen in photos alongside Jeffrey Epstein or a man that can barely remember his own name.

Despite being dubbed ‘Middle-class Joe’, Mr Biden has amassed a personal fortune over the years from the credit card industry and private healthcare and, after receiving donations from both industries, took the moral decision to vote against bills that promised to make life better for Americans by introducing systems to make clearing debt easier.

And during his time as Vice President, he fell out with Barak Obama who had the audacity to try to introduce free healthcare for Americans with no consideration for the fact that the healthcare industry is crammed full of very rich people who regularly line the pockets of Biden in exchange for maintenance of their coveted spot at the top of the pile shitting on poor people.

Donald Trump, on the other hand, despite being a racist, misogynistic, homophobic arsehole with dubious associations, is President of the USA.

We spoke to Bob Bobson, professor of similes at Harvard University who said, ‘If 2020 were an election, this is exactly the election it would be. One in which every choice you make appears to be wrong and you’re really just trying to opt for the least shit option from a smorgasbord of corruption, entitlement and little cocktail sticks containing Monterey Jack and pineapple.’