Boris Johnson last night became the first man in history to leave DFS having paid full price for a sofa.
After promising his partner, Carrie Symonds, that he had an ‘oven-ready’ negotiating plan the PM headed straight to BHS before where he was told, ‘We’re closed you bumbling dickhead. DFS is round the corner.’
After rubbing his head and mumbling some incoherent vowel sounds, the Tory leader then turned the wrong corner and made his way around the entire world before eventually rocking up at DFS where he bowled into the store and somehow managed to find the only piece of furniture in the store which was on sale at full price.
In true Boris fashion, as soon as he touched it, the sofa fell apart. Despite staff trying to explain to him that his heavy-handed approach had basically been a massive fuck up and that he should consider other options which would be both better and cheaper, Boris insisted that both he, Carrie and the British people are never more comfortable than when they have a broken spring stuck up their backside, and left with no deal and the promise of some uncomfortable times ahead.
He then returned proudly to Downing Street where he presented the broken sofa to the mother of his latest child. He then broke the news to her that, although he had promised they would be able to snuggle up on it and watch a film, he now realised he wanted to keep his segment to himself and had arranged delivery of a Covid screen to make sure the two of them were kept apart, but that he’s ‘absolutely certain’ it won’t cause any harm to their relationship.