WESTMINSTER — Following the photographs of the Prime Minister attempting something akin to press-ups in a completely manly display of his rude health, boxing promoters are arranging an East v West boxing match between Johnson and Russian premier Vladimir Putin similar to the Rocky Balboa-Ivan Drago cheesefest that was Rocky IV.
“Mr Putin feels that Johnson is encroaching on his territory,” said boxing promoter Bob Weave. “He’s the one who started the pose-politics by appearing with his top off and riding a horse and he’ll be damned if Boris is going to take his crown with these press-ups.
“And isn’t it what the public wants? Two aging windbags going at it hammer and sickle in a ring, like nature intended. And these guys are both in great shape – mostly round.
“We already have their ring-names and we’re going to town with the merch. ‘Bonking Boris’ — named of course due to his style of punching — versus ‘Vlad with Inhaler’ is going to be some fight. It will be fought over one, three-minute round or until the contenders run out of breath – whichever comes first.
“But there’s going to be plenty of build-up to bring you guys to fever-pitch. We’ll be shooting a training montage for each fighter — Johnson will be chasing a chicken around a disused Woking factory which was closed by the Tories, and Putin will be seen taunting a heavily sedated bear on the Road of Bones, that sort of thing.
“Then we’ll overlay some 80s power-rock soundtracks, though both have ruled out songs by Europe and Foreigner.”